Book Review: "The Courage to Raise Good Men" by Olga Silverstein

The Courage to Raise Good Men by Olga Silverstein is rather lofty and intellectual, and it takes a bit of work to get through it. Despite this, it is worth reading, and I enjoyed the many literary and historical references. Silverstein goes into depth about how cultural expectations affect how we treat boys at each stage of life, including the men they turn into and what wives often end up dealing with. She said that we expect boys to leave home at precisely the age of 18, whether they are ready or not, and mothers withdraw from them much earlier emotionally to “toughen them up” for the time they are going to be kicked out of the nest. This creates a lot of problems that they and the people they end up in relationships with pay for later on. The same standards are not in place for girls, and support for them is generally stable throughout their lives.

Based on the book, I am changing my attitudes and behavior towards my 14-year-old son. What a gift to have this knowledge and new perspective while there is still time to use it! Instead of pressuring him to leave the house at 18 and attend college far away, I will try to keep several options open. Perhaps staying at home for a while and helping with cooking and cleaning will be what he wants to do for a while after graduating from high school. Or maybe he will want to try living on his own, only to discover that it was not all it was cracked up to be and wants to come back home and regroup. Maybe he will want to live in his own apartment, but would like to call me on the phone for advice or practical tips. This won't be about letting him "freeload" -- we will make sure that we as a family find a solution agreeable to all members, and make sure he contributes his fair share towards his upkeep. My goals is to being present for him and to listen (and hear!), instead of superimposing my own hopes and dreams on him.

If anyone else has read this book, I'd love to hear your opinion!

Two deaths in two days

On Friday, I checked on poor Gus the Guinea pig and found him stiff, with his nose against the cage bars. Tacy sobbed when she found him; we gave him a memorial service later on that evening. Also on Friday, I made a visit to North Memorial Hospital, to visit my dying uncle Lyle. The family said he was expected to die any day, so I told him I love you and thank you for all the good memories, such as when he gave me away at my wedding. I admire my cousin, Paul, for maintaining a round-the-clock vigil at his bedside. That afternoon I took the kids out to Lyle after school. The girls just looked at Uncle Lyle, as I don't think they remembered him much, just as an old guy who smoked and had a hard time walking. However, Tiernan spent some time talking to him and holding his hand. Tiernan started crying at the bedside. After we left the hospital, I asked him what he thought, and he said that Lyle had been crying, moving his mouth and moving his hand up and down. I said that I thought Lyle's eyes had just been watering. Tiernan clearly felt like Lyle had been communicating with him through his tears and movements. I am proud of Tiernan for having the emotional sensitivity to pick up on that. Today my cousin, Gay, called me to let me know Lyle died at 4:00 p.m. RIP, Lyle. May you find peace in heaven.

Arguing about semantics with kids

Last night at the kids' bedtime I found myself in a screaming match with my nine-year-old, who was trying to enforce an instruction to my five-year-old to get into her bed. Without asking if I wanted her help, the nine-year-old pushed the five-year-old, causing her to bump her head. This caused the five-year-old to cry and me to accuse the nine-year-old of performing unasked-for enforcement. The nine-year-old responded by denying that she was enforcing. She thinks that she can call it by a different name she are not actually committing the crime! My 14-year-old was a master at this type of name-changing. Does anyone else out there struggle with their kids changing the term defining what they are doing in order to avoid being called on their behavior?

-- Hoarse parent in Minneapolis

Life In The 2010s

This is my first post, and I hope to post many more this year, and hope that at least some of them are interesting!