Kindness of Strangers

The phrase "kindness of strangers" was first used by Tennessee Williams in his 1947 Pulizer-winning play, A Streetcar Named Desire. The saying has been used multiple times in songs and stories since then, and it evokes an unselfish generosity that seems to be channeled through people from a divine source.

The kindness of strangers has been a saving grace for me throughout my life. There always seems to be a few perceptive souls around who notice if I seem to be lost or struggling, and offer assistance.

As a child, I remember my trepidations when starting a new school. "This place is so big! There are so many people! I feel so lost!" A kind student or staff member would notice my hesitancy and gift me with a kind word or smile, letting me know I had a friend to share that moment.

At the age of 19, I made a “Jack Kerouac”-style year-long solo European ramble, getting myself into tight spots regularly. Usually a kind person would step up out of nowhere to help me out. It could be something as simple as someone stopping to give me directions, or something as extreme as the fellow who sucked gasoline through a hose to transfer to a small portable gas tank when I ran out of petrol on an Italian highway!

With the profusion of scam artists, people may be tempted to not be kind when a stranger asks for assistance, thinking it is a set-up. How many times have you driven past those people holding cardboard signs at intersections without stopping to give spare change? Sometimes it could be a trick, but going with your gut feeling helps guide you in handling situations. But if you have a general attitude of suspicion towards people, you are missing opportunities to grow as a person, and just feel good about helping others.

It would be great to pitch in on a group effort on a grand scale, such as when hurricanes, tornadoes and floods hit an area, and join with the hundreds of Red Cross and Salvation Army volunteers who travel across the country to search for victims, distribute food, or administer medical care.

Last summer while walking to the library near our house I passed a man holding a cardboard sign that said, "Will work for food." On the way back from the library I stopped and asked him if he would do yard work for me in exchange for food. Without hesitation he nodded, folded up his sign, put it in his pocket and started walking home with me. Tony was grateful for the opportunity, and, I learned, very hard-working. He come to our house nearly every day for about three weeks, weeding, trimming bushes, cutting back scrub trees.

Each day I would give him a sack of food and a twenty dollar bill. Tony said he had worked nearly 30 years for the suburb of Brooklyn Park, who then hired a young man to take his place and fired him, leaving him homeless. I called St. Stephens Outreach Services, who sent two social workers to our house to interview him. The next day they gave him a tent so he would have better shelter at his campsite near the river. The homeless shelters were overcrowded, so this was a stop-gap solution. Aiding someone in this way felt more effective than giving money to a charity, as I could directly impact someone in need with food and friendship. Also, none of the money I gave Tony was siphoned off for "administrative costs."

What inspires strangers to be kind to people they do not know? I think it is the idea of “paying it forward” and “what comes around goes around.” We can empathize with people and the situations they find themselves in, and want to make their paths easier. We hope that others will do the same for us when we find ourselves stuck in a jam!

How to be a Real and True Friend

Buddy, crony, homeboy, BFF, chum, confidant, pal.  No matter what term you use, a true friend can be hard to come by!

The dictionary definition of friend is, “person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”

What is a true friend? When I was a child, making friends seemed easy. Whenever I saw another small person like me, we recognized an immediate kinship and began playing together. But as typically happens as we age, that facile closeness happens less and less often as suspicions and competition arise, and it becomes much harder to trust others and feel that they truly “have our back.”

My favorite type of friend appreciates me for me, not what I can do for them, really listens, and supports what I am going through and what I am trying to accomplish. There is an easy trust —almost a telepathy.

I try to be a good friend by listening and responding to what the other person is saying, showing genuine interest in others and what they are up to, giving suggestions or physically being helping with a project, and observing to see how I can add value to a situation.

Growing up, I discovered that sometimes friends can become too close. From fourth through eighth grades, I was best friends with Stephanie J. We became close friends and did everything together. It got to the point where if my classmates saw me without her, they asked where Stephanie was. It was divine and terrible at the same time!  We shared some hilarious, exciting times and 100 percent supported each other without question, but what was terrible was that by the time she moved to a different city after eighth grade, I was socially awkward with anyone who was not Stephanie.  In high school I was shy and especially afraid of boys.

In the “Curriculum for Living” coursework I took last year through LandmarkWorldwide, I learned that once babies learn language, they develop a voice in their head that is constantly judging everything around us.  They call it the “Already Always Listening.” The constant narrative in our head seeks to make ourselves right and others wrong. The price of being right is that we sacrifice closeness with others, and thus, happiness and fulfillment. My theory is that when the voice in our head develops (when our vocabulary expands), we start judging everything, which makes those magical automatic friendships harder to come by. Once we are aware of the voice (assuming we ever do), we can actively choose not to listen to it or automatically believe it, and instead consciously set aside judgment so we can enjoy the company of others.

Friendship is sharing a cup of coffee, a joke or story, enjoying the moment together, without expectation. Enjoying the beauty of nature together in the moment. Helping someone because you want to, not because of what you will get in return. Sightseeing in a new city, delighting in discovering the neighborhoods, appreciating the architecture and the unfamiliar foods. Calling a friend to share a difficult situation, and not being worried about being judged. Friends make the journey of life easier, help us feel connected in the community, and feel our life is making a difference.

The Nature of Laughter

The nature of laughter is, for most people, a spontaneous release of energy when you find something amusing. It manifests in many forms and has many names, such as guffaw, titter, giggle and snicker. Laughter is stress relieving. It is social. It is something you do more of when you are rested than when you are stressed and exhausted. It leaves your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after, reduces stress hormones and boosts the immune system, according to an article in www.helpguide.org.

As human beings, we are able to see the humor in a situation due to our developed intellect, which lets us see situations in perspective.

Apes, rats and dogs display behaviors that appear to be laughter, but will we ever really know if these creatures are actually laughing until we can speak the same language and ask them? According to a Wikipedia article, rats like to tickled, and have more optimism after they have been tickled. Dogs seem pant in a way that sounds like human laughter, display a "play face," and are more pro-social when they hear recordings of dog laughter. Chimps and other apes create laughter-like vocalizations, interspersed with panting, in response to tickling, play-chasing or wrestling.

When I laugh, it is often to share a special moment with someone, bringing us closer. Other times it is out of pure enjoyment of a funny movie, ridiculous situation or joke I have just heard.

My friend Lisa Bouta, a certified laughter yoga professional, begins her monthly Metro Women in Business meetings with a group laughter yoga exercise, setting a positive tone for the entire meeting. To visit Lisa's Meetup, which meets on the fourth Monday of the month in the south or west Minneapolis metro area, RSVP to: https://www.meetup.com/Twin-Cities-Women-in-Business-Networking-Group/.

Usually, laughing and a genuine smile happen at the same time. But for someone with a twisted psyche, laughter could be a cruel celebration of another's pain. There may be a smile, but it's more of a grinning rictus ("sustained spasm of the facial muscles"), and not a genuine smile of happiness. There are many famous examples of movie actors with cruel laughter, including "The Joker" in Batman, or Vincent Price in Michael Jackson's Thriller video.

I enjoy hearing people's many different types of laughter. My favorite type is a woman's high-pitched laughter with a dose of musicality.

To sum up my philosophy of laughter in a few words, I hearken back to a column in the old-fashioned Readers' Digest magazine: "Laughter—the Best Medicine"!